Shame On Me


Few weeks before my birthday I got into circumstances that led me into a realization that I was filled with guilt and shame. I also found out other negative core beliefs that I had been carrying around all through out my life and these are: I deserve punishment, I deserve to suffer, I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be loved. These are the emotional pains I did not let myself feel when I was a child because it was too painful and unbearable. For you to better understand what I am talking about I am going to share with you my childhood.

I grew up as a rebellious child when I was around 4-7 years old. I and my little brother were left in the care of other people because our mother had to work from early in the morning until late in the evening and we only saw our father during weekend. I cannot bear the thought of being neglected or abandoned so I did stupid things so I can get the attention I needed. I pushed my brother into the flood with earthworms and I felt exhilarating happiness after that. I got spank most of the time or locked inside the comfort room, kneeled with salts or mongo beans under my knees, etc. With my actions, I felt my mother hated me because she always criticized me that I was a bad girl. But, it did not sinked into me because I was enjoying what I was doing. My thoughts were, "I guess this is better being judged as a bad girl than not exist at all in front of my parents."

As I went to school, I noticed that my classmates' parents were so caring to them. I got jealous. I started to question why my mother did not show any care, concern, affection and appreciation to us. More circumstances made me feel that my parents do not care about us. My mind told me they do not love you but I did not want to think about it so I denied it. One of our primary caregiver physically abused my little brother by spanking him with an extension wire. I, who got used to be spanked, told myself, "This is too much." I told my parents about it but they did not believe me. They made me feel that we deserved it because we had been bad. I was shocked and it made me feel depressed. How can they let this happen? Why can't they listen to me? I cried every night because I saw something was wrong in our family but nobody noticed it or even cared. This was the time I realized emotional pain was unbearable and so I shut down emotionally. I numbed myself. I pretended I did not see what I see. Our family only got better when my father decided to stop working and took care of us because my little sister needed therapy as she was diagnosed having a Cerebral Palsy, the very reason why she had difficulty in walking, speaking and writing, and I suffered Bronchial Asthma and Sinusitis. More events had happened in our family that led to the breakdown of my little brother, he had hallucinations and difficulty of sleeping, and my mother when she lost her job. My father sent her to a mental hospital for treatment while my brother was treated at home. I kept all of this inside me and I did not want anybody to know about my family background. I was ashamed of it. I had fear that if people will know about this that I will be ridiculed and nobody's going to like me.

This is a very sensitive topic for me about my family but I needed to do this in order to heal the great shame I have within me. Guilt was easy to address because the thought pattern behind of it was "I did something wrong" and the antidote for that was to forgive myself. Shame, on the other hand, was a different story because the thought pattern behind of it was "I did something wrong because I am bad. I am not good enough." Shame is the cause of self-hatred which is the very opposite of self-love. I even got sick a day or two before my birthday as I was going deep in knowing who I really am. My sickness was a physical manifestation of my resistance about this shame and partly because I blamed my parents in some way. I blamed them that I grew up not having a sense of worthiness within me. Basically, I lacked self-worth and I learned not to trust myself. I had thoughts like if only I knew back then what I know now I wouldn't have suffered enough. Well, I got healed with my sickness after my birthday without any medication that's when I let go of the blame, the "if only's" and allowed the shame to eat me. I got a sense of peace and relief knowing that I do not have to be perfect in anyone's eyes, not to my parents even to myself. Also, I do not have to justify my own existence here on this planet by achieving success or by being good and I do not have to pretend at all. I just have to be Me.

And how do I get the courage to share this all with you and be vulnerable? It's because of what Teal Swan said about shame. And here it is...

"There is an innate yearning in people to connect, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be understood, to belong. If you feel shame, these things in life are not something you have tasted yet. You have been met with the opposite. As a result you withdrew and closed yourself off and shut down to the world. Now, there is a split within your heart between the insatiable yearning for those things and the fear and pain of opening up and being hurt again. You need to address this split within yourself with empathy and compassion. Many people within society carry this same split and you have the opportunity to heal it in yourself by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in yourself. And you also have the power to heal it in other people by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in them."


Until now I am still on the process of building my self-worth back and trying my best of my daily self-approval process. After letting go of the blame to my parents, I discovered that they are suffering from a personality disorder which I am going to share with you soon on my next blog. Now, I get to understand them and have compassion for them. I have a message for the parents out there, too. Please let your children know every moment in their life that they are worthy of love and belonging. Help them understand that doing or making bad decision is not equal to being bad. So, let me left you with this song that gave me inspiration to write about my story, Little Me by Little Mix. Enjoy... :) 



"Little Me"


[Jade:]

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don't hear a word,
Always talking but she can't be heard,


[Leigh- Anne:]

You can see there if you catch her eye,
I know she's brave but it's trapped inside,
Scared to talk but she don't know why,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see,

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,


[Jesy:]

Little me

Yeah, you got a lot of time to act your age,
You can't write a book from a single page,
Hands on the clock only turn one way,

(Yeah)


[Perrie:]

Run too fast and you'll risk it all,
Can't be afraid to take a fall,
Felt so big but she looks so small,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.
(Know that right here, right now)

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be, oh,
Little me

Little me, yeah


[Leigh-Anne:]

Tell you one thing I would say to her


[All:]

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.

(You got to) you gotta speak up, (You got to) you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,
Little me

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,

Little me

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