It's Okay Not To Be Okay

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solidrockcounseling.wordpress.com
Most of my friends believed that I have a positive thinking mindset. Some of them consulted me with their problems because I have this quality of looking at things in a positive way. Even my father knew that I am an optimistic person because when I experienced "The Greatest Physical Battle" of my life, he said, "Joy, this is your test to know how positive you can be." And when I had this sickness, few of my friends said, "Good thing, you didn't feel depressed." And my thought was, "Should I be depressed?" I honestly did not resonate with that comment because of the positivism that I was projecting at that time. I already knew back then that your state of being (thoughts, words and actions) determines the outcome of your reality. So, my being positive helped a lot in my healing because if I was not, I'd be dead by now.

After I got healed, I thought it was the end of my suffering. Later did I know of, it was just the beginning. After a month of recovery, my love relationship for 7 years had ended. It was a totally devastating experience. I felt the emotional pain even when the breakup was a mutual decision and done smoothly. For more than a month, I felt something was lost inside me and the memories that we shared together were killing me. That experience made me realize how badly hurt my heart was, not because of the breakup alone, but mostly, it was because of the suppressed negative emotions I felt when I was young.

After that realization, for 3 months I was led to a different types of circumstances that awakened these negative emotions inside me. What are those?
* I cannot achieve anything or frustration
* Feeling abandoned or neglected
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www.thetemplespace.com
* Hurt and sadness
* Feeling lost
* Depression
* Anger
* Not good enough
* Powerlessness

I know reading on the list makes you feel bad because you also have these within you. I guess everyone does. So, how come I experienced these emotions? Well, I just had another setbacks in life after the disease and the breakup that made me feel these things. I almost thought of committing suicide because it felt like you cannot do anything AT ALL and that you'd been tortured apart. I felt my fears were crawling on me from my hands and feet going to the top of my head trying to eat me. I still managed to do my business like normal by masquerading that I was okay but the emotions just became worst that no matter what I do, nothing will improve. That's the time I decided to give up everything because no amount of being positive made me feel better. I stayed at home as if I was waiting for my body to decay because it felt that way.

I really had no choice but to face them all so they will stop chasing me around. This was the time when I admitted to myself that it's okay not to be okay. After that I got the courage to share my feelings to only few people whom I trust most because I was afraid that others will judge me for they know that I am a positive person and what I've become was the opposite one and that they will think I am insane.

Deep inside me, I knew that these negative emotions had something to tell me. Thanks to my intuition, I found out that these were the emotions I did not let myself feel when I was young because it was painful. This was due to the fact that all of us have aversion to pain. We have this belief or judgement that pain is bad. We only accept the white or something that feels good and reject the black/shadow or something that feels bad. Because of that, we are not whole individually and we have been living our lives incomplete.

Photo courtesy of Michelle Lenk in Twitter.com @michellelenk1
When I decided to face them, the feelings became more excruciating. But then again I was so thankful that God made me face them only to the degree of my capacity. That's why I was able to maintain my sanity. I kept asking myself, when will this be over? I was afraid that it will be forever. Then, I felt that I had been resisting the pain within me. I, then, remembered the saying, "What you resist persists." So, it gave me to the idea of the state of allowing and total acceptance. Then, the next thing I did was I lay flat on bed with arms wide open facing the ceiling. I breathed air in and out of my nose. Relaxed myself and said, "I am those negative emotions and so I totally accept them as part of me." I let myself feel them all. Like magic, poof! They were all gone and I was back to my own senses. First thing I felt was nothingness then peace and then gradually happiness. And this is what I realize, happiness is not something we look for, it is already within us. It was just being covered with shits that we, ourselves, created.

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