The Creation of My Magnificent Mosaic

After checking the statistics, I was astonished that a lot of people from all over the world read my blog. And so, before I proceed I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Now going back, my thoughts looking at the stats were, "OMG! What am I going to write next?" I felt pressured, and I said to myself, "I am going to write from my heart." Fear came in suddenly, telling me, "If you reveal to the world what you feel and what your thoughts are, they're going to judge, ridicule and criticize you." I felt afraid. I remembered all the things people had said about me. They even looked down on me especially when it is about expressing my thoughts and feelings. And what's more painful was my own parents judged me for what I had become.

I realized that those negative emotions I had listed on my previous blog were all coming from my past childhood trauma and one more was added, fear of being criticized. Anyways, I will share with you my past as soon as I get enough courage to do so. For now, let me share with you how I deal with my own fear.

My intuition told me that what happened to me on my last blog "It's Okay Not To Be Okay" was a reset. It's like doing a reformat on your personal computer. Then, it urged me to read the book "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay so I can become whole again. It's one way of healing myself. But, take note, I decided to heal myself not from a perspective that something was wrong with me and that I need to change. If, this is my intention, I am just admitting to myself that I am not good enough and it is a form of Self-Dislike. It's not healing. It's self-damaging.

My current tools for creating
My Magnificent Mosaic

The purpose of my healing was like this. I imagined myself as a large mosaic puzzle. Since I experienced depression as described on my previous blog, this mosaic was broken into pieces scattered all over the floor. And these puzzles represented my characteristics and personalities as a person. Let's just say, bright-colored puzzles defined my good qualities while dark-colored ones defined my dark shadows. Now, my healing can only occur when one by one I assemble these puzzles to create again a beautiful large mosaic of myself. That's what I mean by becoming whole again and it is a lifetime journey. But, I did not have to worry because the Universe will help me in my healing through my life experiences. The indication that I need healing or integration of myself is whenever I feel bad. Therefore, let's feel and embrace our negative emotions. Do not hide or cover them. This is the common mistake we do, we try to escape from them. That's why many people get sick, into addictions and have no control over their emotions. Instead, we must inquire in them what they are trying to tell us. Moreover, they are part in forming our unique grand mosaic of ourselves.

As I was reading the book, I asked myself, "Do I have self-criticism?" Just few hours from asking that question something happened...

I was in a group chat and I felt bad after someone made a reply on my viewpoint about something. Our initial reaction would be to hate that person immediately and honestly that's what I felt. But, then I remembered to feel first my emotions before I do something. I embraced my emotion by relaxing myself and to be totally present with what I was feeling at that moment. After sometime, I asked myself, "Why do I feel this way?" An answer popped in my head, "Because you fear others who judge you and yet that's how you treat yourself all along for years. Criticizing yourself like what others did to you. Since, other people are just a reflection of how you treat yourself." I asked, "How?" "You accept and believe it's true, what other people have been telling about you since you were young. Those are; You do not amount to anything, you cannot achieve anything, you are ugly, you are not good enough, you are bad and you are nothing." I kept asking, "How come?" Then, an image was shown way back in my elementary days. I, then, remembered that I had been bullied almost everyday at that time like nobody wanted to be my seatmate. I saw my child self crying... 

Instantly, I did the Inner Child Work. It's basic principle is that all of us has an inner child inside our hearts. This really helped me enormously not to commit suicide when a thought of it came into my mind and even in my meditation few weeks back. It was because I can kill myself if I want to but I cannot kill the small innocent child that is in me in need of my love, care and affection. I cried after realizing it.

Photo courtesy of Agnieszka Szalabska in
www.artmajeur.com

I approached my child self wearing my elementary uniform and told her, "I know it really feels terrible when someone belittles you. You feel bad, right?" My child self nodded, Then, I continued, "If you want to cry, just cry. Crying is a form of release. If you want, I can also give you a hug." I embraced her and said, "But you know what, what they're telling you is a lie. Because your true essence is you are magnificent, brilliant and powerful beyond measure. You are not experiencing it now because you are on a journey of knowing and realizing these characteristics. Therefore, what they're telling you is an illusion. The fact that you are alive is a sign that you are magnificent and brilliant. You are Love and Love is Life. I bet you love adventures, right?" My child self nodded again. "So take this as a journey of knowing yourself, full of adventures. Don't take it personally instead just enjoy wherever it takes you." And I gave her another hug again. 

After that I felt good and my inner child felt safe, secure and confident about herself. As I continued reading the book, Louise Hay suggested to affirm this "I APPROVE OF MYSELF" every moment in a day. This will be my mantra from now on until it is part of my being or into my magnificent mosaic, a puzzle from Self-Criticism to Self-Approval. Happy Easter!