Breaking the Stigma: Choosing to Be a Single Mom
It's Mother's Day today so I guess it would be perfect to share with you my motherhood journey and the valuable lessons I learned along the way.
3 months after we met, I got pregnant. I felt mixed emotions but overall happy. Unfortunately, we didn't get so well so few weeks after I gave birth to my child, I broke up with him. I became a single mom.
I'm sharing this to you because of the stigma of being a single mom. Like most would believed that being a single mom is pathetic, left by the father of the child. But that is not always the case. I think there's a minority group of women who want to be mothers and not get married, and I think I was part of this group. I just wanted a child and not a husband.
Consciously, I desired to have a husband perhaps because that's what society tells us to do to get married first then have kids. However, unconsciously, I didn't want to do so. I discovered that there's a lot of barriers that I built with regards to that kind of relationship. And at that time, I wasn't aware of these barriers at all. I cannot blame myself because my childhood was not a happy one as I shared with you on my previous blog way back in 2015 The Dark Shadow of Myself. Due to trauma, I wasn't ready to settle down yet.
Even though I hated the father of my child at that time so much, I still had no right to prevent my child from experiencing her father's love, so our communication continued despite lots of misunderstandings. Good thing, his parents were so supportive on giving my child's needs. They had been our mediator for years and don't you worry guys five years after I was able to forgive him so my communication with him runs smoothly now.
Enough with the back story and let's go straight to the 3 big nuggets (learnings) from this experience.
1. Our child is the physical reflection of our inner child.
I learned this from Teal Swan and knowing this I promised myself to give my child her needs especially those needs of mine that where not met when I was young, because doing so, also helped my inner child fulfill its needs. The affection, emotional support, and understanding that I didn't received when I was young I gave it to my child so she will grow up full of love and support. Having a child pushed me forward to more self-awakening which in turn healed my inner child in the process. I also noticed that the more healing my inner child received, the more I became a better parent.
2. Sometimes being a single mom is a choice.
Disclaimer: I am not advocating divorce or break-up here so hear me first. In my opinion, it's unhealthy to stay in a relationship where you felt like your soul was being crushed from time to time and a lot of your needs are unmet. In the Philippines, we value so much the family being complete rather than being separated and, if your a mom, you're willing to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your children because of the underlying belief that children are pitiful for not having their parents together as a lot of their needs will be unmet. Yes, separation is not easy and most children would want their parents to be together. However, I believe there's another way for children to get their needs met by both parents that are separated. We actually call it nowadays co-parenting.
And as a mom, if we keep holding onto an abusive relationship, we're hurting ourselves in the process and sometimes we become an enabler of something that is not good. Instead of standing up for ourselves, we choose to succumb to the pain when we actually have a choice to stop it. If we keep doing this, we are teaching our kids how to be unhappy because that's life is supposed to be. Hell no! If we want our kids to be empowered individuals, we're their models and it's inevitable that they will copy us. Staying in an abusive relationship for me is not an empowered thing to do. It's killing our soul. Also, we're teaching them that life happens to us like we have no control over our lives where, in reality, that's not the case. We can actually make choices in order for us to create the life we really want. With regards to meeting our children's needs, there's a lot of ways we can brainstorm it with our kids and the rest of the family. As a matter of fact, my child now has two fathers her biological father and my partner, her stepfather. With that, my child has more resources if she needs father presence in her life.
3. As a mom we have a choice to either be a working mom or a stay at home mom. It's our call.
Being a mom is not an easy job. It entails a lot of responsibility and accountability with no day off and the least paying job. Yet, it's the most fulfilling job ever! I think the responsibility sometimes is way more than we can handle especially if we have so many children to take care of. That's why no matter what the society may tells us whether it's better to be a stay at home mom or a working mom, at the end of the day it is still our decision. We are the only one who knows what our children and our family needs so instead of listening to what society tells us we need to listen what our family needs.
In my case, I was a full-time stay at home mom when I gave birth to my child up until she's 3 years old and I had been a working mom for 2 years too. Different role, different needs are being met. And sometimes, it's not just our children's needs that we need to meet but also ours. Like if you have a dream that doesn't mean that when you become a mom you can no longer have it. No, you can still chase your dreams. You can still be happy and design the life that you want at the same time provide for your children's needs.
I'd be happy to hear your journey too as a mom and the things that you learned. Please don't hesitate to leave a comment down below or you may also share it to other moms out there who needs to hear this message.
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