Thursday, September 3, 2015

The Path To Knowing Who I Am


When I began my spiritual journey last 2012, my life started going down the hall. When my life coach asked the question, "Who are you?" I was tongue-tied and speechless. Then, he said, "Ask that question to yourself. Who am I?" And so, I did but I really cannot find the answer for myself. In fact, that was the hardest question I had ever encountered in my life at that time. And that's when I realized, I was a lost soul. I did not know who I really am, taking into consideration that most people are being brainwashed to act in a certain way. What I mean by that is, I cannot really say that I am a hardworking person because it might be that I am only taught to act as a hardworking person. I cannot really say that I love shirts and shorts because I might be taught to wear and love those kinds of clothes. We are being programmed to think, do, and act in a certain way unless you become aware of who you really are and act upon it.



I guess the path for Spirituality begins once you embark on a journey of getting to know who you really are. That is where we get the terms; Self-Realized, Self-Conscious, Self-Actualized Beings for most spiritual masters because they are aware of who they really are and they are conscious of their choices and actions moment-to-moment. My heart told me to embark into this journey after I closed MACbay Cafe, the coffee shop I used to manage and co-owned as I shared with you on my previous blog "Thoughts Are Things." In case, you do not know what Spirituality means, it may refer to almost any kind of meaningful activity, personal growth or blissful experience. It is often separated from organized religious institutions, as in the phrase "spiritual but not religious". Traditionally, it refers to a process of re-formation of personality to live a life according to Divine will, but there is no single, agreed-upon definition of spirituality. (Wikipedia)



I did not realized that it was a tough journey. It really challenged all aspect of my life mentally, financially, physically, emotionally and, of course, spiritually. I cannot count anymore how many pail of tears I've shed, tears of joy and sadness. And what's more difficult was, there was no one, literally, NO ONE, to support me emotionally even my family. And so, that's the time I learned to trust myself. When everything failed and no one was there, I discovered I still have myself.

I asked God or the Universe, why all these failures, pain and hurt consecutively? And someone inside my head speaking near my right ear, "For you to know the truth of who you are."

I did research on some of the spiritual teachers that I follow Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Neale Donald Walsch, Anthony de Mello and Teal Swan. All of them are saying about Law of Duality that you cannot know white without black, up without down, hot without cold, etc. and that everything in this Universe is in relation to something else. It goes like this, I have to come into this life in different circumstances to experience who I am not, so it would give rise for a desire to know who I really am.

My life has been a struggle since 2012-2015 that I experienced failure after failure. My parents hated me because, externally, my life appeared to be going backward. But, they do not know what I've been doing internally, my inner world. I was conquering my inner battles, my fears. I've tried sharing this to them but they cannot understand me. It seemed so pointless to talk to them what was happening to me when we were communicating at a different wavelength or communication channel. Same goes to my friends, they cannot understand me. They have no idea what spirituality is.


As I reflect more about my past experiences, I appreciate all the struggles that I've been through for 3 years because I get to know who I really am. Also, those failures made me aware of the thoughts, beliefs and emotions that I have been carrying throughout my life that do not serve me and my happiness. Most of them were based on fear, lack and survival. I was given a chance to be conscious of them and completely alter them in alignment to my happiness and who I really am.  And by doing so, I am changing my vibration, the energy that I am sending to the Universe to create my own reality. Thus, I am changing my life without going against myself. In fact, I am loving myself more. I also get to know why I exist and the meaning of my life. But, I am still on the process of gathering more and more experiences and trying new things so I could further know more of who I really am and what is it that I need to do before I die.

Moreover, I also get to see more in life. I become more conscious and sensitive to my environment. I also get to see the reason behind why people suffer in life. Most people live a stressful life in a quiet desperation and they are not aware of it until they become terribly sick or depressed. Now, that I am feeling better for quite awhile and I feel I need to do some work for myself to start all over again from scratch. From this point forward, I am going to live my life in alignment of who I really am, being my real self and being honest with what I really feel inside. No matter what other people say about me. No more pretending just for the sake of other people's approval. Whew! I've had it and it was sooo stressful because no matter what you do you cannot please everybody. It is so freeing to feel you are happy inside and not dying.

As a conclusion, here's what I have to say. "Life is meant to be a worthwhile journey but most of us experience suffering because most of our ways of living negate our natural state as a human being." Also, for you to further know what I am sharing about here, especially those who are not exposed to Spirituality, I have included a Youtube video of Teal Swan entitled "False Self vs. Real Self" located at the bottom.


Rest In Peace Dr. Wayne Dyer. He died last Saturday August 29, 2015. Your teachings always remain in our hearts. :'(


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Thoughts Are Things

Photo courtesy of www.onlythismoment.com
I am going to share with you my personal experience the first time I came to know about Law of Attraction and I hope this will give you an understanding that thoughts will become things.

2009 was when I decided to study PLC (Programmable Logic Controller) to add on my skills as an engineer so that I had a high probability of getting hired in-line to the course which I graduated, Electronics and Communication Engineering. At the end of the training, the instructors gave us some ebooks and a documentary movie to read and watch before we can get our certificate. The documentary movie that they gave us was The Secret: Law of Attraction. I watched it and I was pretty amazed. It resonated in my whole being given the consciousness I had at that time and it really felt good because it gave me an impression that I can change my life with my thoughts. Of course, as an engineer, I had a skeptical mind. My thoughts were, "Is this for real? Well, how will I know if I won't try and apply the principles."
I really cannot get the job that I wanted due to recession. Industrial manufacturers laid off some really good engineers because of it. Consequently, I only had minimal chance of getting hired because there were more engineers who were more experienced than I do plus I am a female. An opportunity came when the training center where I studied PLC was looking for a PLC Instructor, and so, I applied for the said position. I already saw myself as a PLC Instructor. That's the first time I used the Law of Attraction. I received a call from one of my instructors and told me that I did not get the position. I asked him, "Why?" He told me because I am a female. He said, "You won't be a PLC Instructor forever because the PLC Instructors are waiting list for a job in our sister company in Singapore in an Oil & Gas Industry which is very dangerous for women like you." I told him, "I can do what PLC Instructor and a PLC Programmer can do, you know that since you are my instructor. With regards to my own safety, it is on my discretion and I will take care of that when that time comes. For now, you need a PLC Instructor so you can go to Singapore for work and I need this job." And I got hired, September 2009.

This was an "Aha!" moment for me that the Law of Attraction was working. Another thought came in to me, "Well, that was just an easy thing to manifest." Let's try a harder one. I would like to go to Singapore on or before my birthday for the year 2010 for FREE, all-expense paid trip. Here are the challenges: Most PLC Instructors waited for more than a year for a job opening in Singapore and I have no passport because I was a DOST (Department of Science and Technology) scholar. When you are a DOST Scholar, you are not allowed to go abroad for whatever reason unless you work in the Philippines in the same number of years you enjoyed the scholarship. And I had worked for about 1.5 years and I enjoyed my scholarship for 2 years. Also, for me to get a passport, I had to go through DOST, NBI (National Bureau of Investigation), and DFA (Department of Foreign Affairs).

MODEC office in Singapore
I did what The Secret: Law of Attraction suggested. I found it hard to visualize what Singapore was like since I'd never been there. So, I got some photos from the internet and I pictured myself already been there. That's my only focus. I told myself, "This is my birthday gift for myself." Thinking about it, made me feel excited. Then, as a PLC Instructor, I experienced the ups and downs of the training center and the business itself, which I had no idea at that time that led me into a chance to work in Singapore for a given project. What I also noticed that the processing of my passport went smoothly; from the filing for the completion of my DOST Scholarship obligation, NBI, COMELEC (Commission on Elections) to certify that I am a citizen of the Republic of the Philippines, Immigration to DFA. It was all perfect!

Also, additional skill was needed for the said project; AutoCAD. Good thing, we had a student who was really good in AutoCAD and he taught us for free. And so, I and my colleague, Red, were ready to go. Suprisingly, our boss, the owner of the businesses in Cebu and Singapore booked and emailed me the airfare ticket on the day of my birthday. (Isn't it amazing?) I was really happy at that time. My thought said, "Wait until you get on the land of Singapore." and I said, "Oh yeah!" 


When I arrived in Singapore, I couldn't believe it. It was amazing and I did not feel tired at all even if the next day we spent our day walking and walking to familiarize the city. True enough, I was the only female engineer in the staff house, and so, my colleagues gave me the stock room as my room to stay. Our boss said if we could finish the project before the deadline, he will give us a treat. And yes, we did! We went to Sentosa! I really had fun. In fact, I wanted to experience more. Before I flew back to Cebu, my boss and I had a talk. He said that the manager of his coffeeshop was going to resign and he wanted me to take the position not as an employee but as a business partner. He was the capitalist and I was the one to create a system for it to work. The coffeeshop was losing and he needed it to be back in operation. He said that I was perfect because I was the only female in our group besides his daughter, Krizzia, who was busy at that time for the Miss Singapore pageant, and he cannot trust the business to other people whom he haven't met. He added that Oil & Gas industry was not for female because as a PLC Programmer I won't be working in the office environment only but also offshore, in the middle of the ocean, working with other male engineers, seafarers and seamen in countries such as Africa & Middle East. He also said that I do not have to worry because he knows that I can do it. Besides, he gave me a business coach. Whew! I felt really tired going back to Cebu because while we were doing the project, we spent at least 10-12 hours working on it everyday, then the Sentosa trip, plus I felt the pressure of being a Cafe Manager because I did not know anything about business and management. Good luck to me. But, my thought said, "This will be another level for Law of Attraction. You can do it!"

The cafe hardly made a monthly sale of Php 20,000 when I took over. As I computed the breakeven using Algebra, let x be the breakeven point (hehehe), it came out as Php 150,000. Whoa! Wowowee! True enough, another level for Law of Attraction. OMG!!! My thought at that time was, "Fine, I accept the challenge because, honestly, I am not inspired working as an engineer because I want to have human interaction instead of computer interaction...hehehe." I also arranged a condition with my boss that, for the meantime, he was the one to pay for the rent of the cafe until such time we reached the break even point twice and for my monthly allowance. Then, I met my business coach, Mr. Roman Kintanar, who taught me a lot about business and management. He was also an Electronics and Communication Engineer and a Masteral Graduate for Business Administration. He did consultation job for big corporations, local and abroad. With his background, I gained confidence being a Cafe Manager making me feel that I was in good hands. And indeed, it was. He visited me at least twice a month and he taught me things in application. We dined to different coffee shops and restaurants and let me observe the environment, the crews, the supervisors and the customers. He also explained to me that business was like Algebra, just a basic mathematics, and so, I gained another confidence in myself that Php 150,000 was possible to achieve. The Cafe was located at the far end of the building so it was not possible for people walking along the street to see it plus it did not have any signage. He told me that location did matter in business but if your location was easy for people to see then you cannot exercise your creativity. Wow! That's the perspective I needed to inspire me to be creative enough for people to notice the cafe. I was given total freedom and creativity to achieve the monthly sales of the cafe to pay for the people I hired, electricity, suppliers, advertising, etc. Every month our monthly sales kept increasing and I was so thankful that I was able to attract trustworthy and reliable people to work with me on this. To know them, you may refer on my blogpost entitled "Keep The Fire Burning". In fact, our monthly sales were constantly increasing so I went to Singapore a couple of times as an incentive and the last trip I had going there was with my ex-boyfriend, all-expense paid. Dream came true! 

With my guidance and my team's deliberate focus and positive intention, we were able to hit Php 148,000 monthly sales before I decided to close the cafe. Why I closed it, well, it's going to be another topic (hehehe). How was it possible? Everyone on my team knew about Law of Attraction and how it worked. All of us, our thoughts, words and actions were in alignment with our goals. For an instance, every time we did not have customer, the baristas felt bored and they focused on the lack of customer. What you focus on, you create more, right? What I did was to let them do a general cleaning, to keep them busy so that they changed their focus from "lack of customer" to "so many things to do"...hahaha! True enough, before we could even finish our general cleaning, there were always a group of customers who dine with us giving us so many things to do. Another thing, I also taught them to always think positive thoughts (more customers everyday so I can give them their salary every week) and love the work they do. Thoughts and feelings always go hand-in-hand for manifesting anything you want. Therefore, it goes to say that we create our own reality through our thoughts and feelings. We are creators! That's why I totally believe that every person has an innate creativity within.

2012 was when I noticed that even how optimistic I was, I cannot manifest something like I used to. I kept asking myself "Why? When I was so good at this before." Until I found out that I was on another level again of Law of Attraction which is "You do not attract what you want, you attract what you are." - Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of The Power of Intention, which I shared with you on my blogpost "The Dark Shadow of Myself". And this year, 2015, I came to know more and more of Law of Attraction conceptually and experientially, and this is how I see it. The physical reality which we are experiencing right now is like a big hologram reflecting on us what we are inside, the world within. As what John Randolph Price, the author of The Superbeings, said "Your outer world of form and experience is a reflection of your inner world of thoughts and feelings. As above, so below. As within, so without." 2012 was when I experienced successive failures in my life until now, actually. But, this does not mean that I am doomed for failure. As a matter of fact, it is an opportunity for me to see the thoughts, beliefs and emotions I had been carrying all throughout my life from the day I was conceived in my mom's tummy until now, that do not serve Me, the grandest version of Myself. I only knew about Law of Attraction, 2009, as a result, for 24 years of existence I was creating my reality unconsciously. So, if you noticed my posts this year were more about pain and my inner struggles because I had to experience all of them psychologically so I can let them go. It was not an easy way of learning Law of Attraction this year. Tell you honestly, I shed more tears and felt devastating pain because I AM on the process of getting to know who I really am. (If you do not understand what I am talking about, do not worry, I will explain it further on my future blogs.) Well, the bonus is, the time it takes to manifest something is quicker now than before, negative and positive thoughts. Well, in Truth, there are no right or wrong in this Universe. It's just what it is. This is what I observed in me, every time I think and feel about something, it is like I am throwing a boomerang to the Universe, and the Universe will give me that boomerang back in just about a minute, an hour, a day, a week or so. For example, just before I post this blog, I was worried that it took me a lot of time to write on my blog that I left my laundry unfinished. I cannot do it at night because I had tutor schedule and the next day fully booked for Mary Kay. Suddenly, my friend texted me that tutor was cancelled. Yehey, laundry was done! The Universe fixed my schedule for me. Anyways, it was not coincidence. I called it forth through my thoughts and feelings. So, going back, only after I let go and accept my past thoughts, beliefs and emotions about myself, can I create new thoughts, beliefs and feelings which serve my greatest version of Me. The level that I am now when it comes to Law of Attraction is about Beingness which I believe will be a lifetime journey. (You may refer to my previous blog entitled "Make The Most of Yourself" for more understanding or you may leave a comment below).


As a conclusion, my journey in learning about Law of Attraction was like an onion skin. After you familiarized with the current layer, another layer will reveal, and as you get deeper and deeper the layers become harder and harder like playing a video/computer game every time you are in a higher level, it gets more difficult. Same goes for peeling the onion, as you keep on peeling the onion skin, layer by layer, you shed more tears...hehehe. Well, it's part of life. So, let me leave you with this question, "Who do you think you are?"

Monday, August 3, 2015

My Life Purpose

My parents and I had a fight about an incident that happened in our business and they blamed me for my reaction. My parents wanted me to change. Every time I told them there's nothing wrong with me so I do not need to change. Their faces were like "WHAT?!?! Are you nuts? You are going crazy with what you have been doing all along." And they started criticizing me again of how my life was deteriorating and my age was increasing. Their criticisms were killing me as if they were stabbing a knife all throughout my body. I felt emotional shocked because they favored the other person more than me and so I should be the one to adjust and change my attitude. I cannot take it anymore and so I went out, walked, until I stumbled upon a cafe. I ordered cake and tea. After I ate them, I let my body fell on the sofa like I was dying. The trauma I had when I was a child went back, the one I shared with you on "Shame On Me". They did not understand me at all and they had no plans of doing so. It really hurt so much! I slept, woke up when it was morning and went home and slept again. I just experienced what I call a psychological death and after I woke up in the afternoon I felt so great instantly. Aside from that, I discovered something about me and my life purpose.

2012 was when I became aware of the dysfunction we had in our family and that was also the birth of my compassion to the kids out there who were misunderstood, mistreated and abandoned by their parents. When my life coach asked me what is my life purpose, I cannot answer it. My intuition showed me an image of street children but I did not understand what it meant. Clueless. I cannot also admit at that time that I had compassion with children because (hello?!) when I was young I did not treat my siblings nicely. I was their big cruel sister which is my false self, by the way. But, as I kept going on my journey of knowing who I really am, deeper and deeper, the compassion I have for children increased tremendously because I saw myself in them when I was young. I was misunderstood and mistreated emotionally by my parents. Everything makes sense to me now.

With my realization, I can totally agree with Louise Hay, the author of You Can Heal Your Life, that we choose our parents. Before, I came here to Earth, I already made soul contracts with my parents so I can know who I really am and who I want to become. My soul wanted what it felt like to have compassion for children or maybe to be a great parent if I get married and have kids, and so, I had to experience the opposite of it in the child's perspective. Law of Duality. We cannot know white if there's no black and vice versa. Most specifically, I chose a mother who does not really care for her children and exercise manipulation and control so she can get what she wants and a father who is overly passive and righteous, and chooses his wife over his kids. Both of them exercise conditional love. And this has a purpose like what I shared with you on my blog post "The Little Soul and The Sun". I suggest you read that short story "The Little Soul and The Sun" by Neale Donald Walsch so you can get a better understanding of what I meant. Well, right now I and my parents were silent with each other because unlike before that I told them what I do so they could somehow appreciate me but they never did. Now, it's a different story, I let go of the idea of always pleasing them and I also told them, before the incident happened as stated above, that I was worthless and that I did not amount to anything so they will also let go their expectations of me. That was just drama in front of their eyes. Well, I am pretty sure that someday my parents will be proud of me once they will see the result of the work that I do. I totally forgive them from the bottom of my heart because they are part of fulfilling my life purpose. Also, I will never give up on myself because if I did who will help me? No one. And this is the problem of most children out there who are misunderstood and mistreated either physically or emotionally because they tend to personalize the experience like what I did when I was young and they do not know what to do. For survival, they forget who they really are and comes with it, they forget their inner gifts. Some of them need guidance because there are increasing number of juvenile delinquencies, drugs, addictions and teenage pregnancies. All are forms of their own rebellion.  

Danna, after our study. What I adore about this child is she has a resilient heart.
It is my dream that someday all children and even people, who are ready to face their shadows/inner demons, to know who they really are and who they want to become because their inner gifts or inner diamonds will just flourish by itself and all of us will be working together in helping heaven happen here. From now on, this will be my WHY for life. Why I do what I do. Currently, I am doing tutor with my friend's child, Danna, because they always fight when they study together. I help my friend understand her child so she won't destroy the child's self-esteem. I also help the child understand her mother so she won't personalize the experience. I also tutor another youth who has difficulty in Math. As of now, this is my way on working my dream and this blog, of course, to increase awareness to all parents out there. That's why I added the "Parenting" tab. I am still figuring out more on how can I work on my why especially when my inner struggles end. I truly believe that every child/person has its own unique intelligence and magnificence. If they are guided properly, a child/person can change the world.


This song inspires me to be brave enough to become what I've always known.
The journey was never easy. There was so much pain.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Allow Others To Love You


On my previous blog "Shame On Me", I shared with you how I shut down emotionally. Well, we all know that emotional pain is more tormenting than physical pain. Emotional abuse is more terrible than physical abuse. I did that when I was a child because I did not want to get hurt anymore. But, when we numb ourselves from pain, we also numb ourselves from love. Therefore, I did not know how to love and to be affectionate. It was unknown to me and so no wonder no one can love me as much as I wanted to be loved. After my breakdown this year which I shared on "It's Okay Not To Be Okay", it made me become aware of how low my self-worth is and how I hated myself for all these years. Therefore, I did not love myself in my deepest core. Yeah, sad truth. And so, I dedicated this year to love myself again unconditionally and completely 100%. 

One more thing, based on what I have learned from Teal Swan's video which I posted on "Why We Broke Up?", that we learn what love is from our parents. And so, since I did not get this from my parents when I was young, I also did not have love within myself. Realizing this was not easy. I have been dealing with this issue since 2012 because that was the time when I met my life coach who confronted me that I came from a dysfunctional family. You know the feeling when you know the truth, right? It felt suck! It was so painful because you know your heart has been broken with that issue and someone will say that in front of your face. In fact, that's the very reason why I shut down, I suppressed it, I denied it, because I did not want to face it because it was afflictive. The feeling was like my life coach was sticking a knife into my wounded heart. Well, God, Source or the Universe let it happen because God wanted me to heal. Healing was very unpleasant and uncomfortable sometimes excruciating. It was like a surgeon cutting your heart through without anaesthesia...hahaha!!!... What made the matter worst was, when situations in my life felt like I was doomed for failure, and so, I felt powerless and hopeless no matter how optimistic I was. If you scan my blog post since March you will know, what I had been through. My initial reaction was to blame God but actually what He was trying to do was to heal me. To know the aspect of myself which I was not aware of because I was scared of it. I have to know it, to become aware of it, in order to heal myself so I can be a whole-hearted person again not a broken-hearted one. And so, I have to know the truth about me and the truth was I grew up not knowing about love at all. One of my friend told me your parents love you because they provided everything that you need. Yes, it was true. They provided all my physical needs but it was conditional love. So God wanted me to be aware of what conditional love is so I could know what unconditional love really is...


To love myself unconditionally and completely 100% was my responsibility and top priority. Like I mentioned before to have a happy and fulfilling life, we must love ourselves. And this is what I want for my life starting this year. Loving one's self is very important and I will share the reasons behind on my incoming blog posts so tuned in. In truth, it is our responsibility to fill our own cup of love inside us until it overflows so we can let it spread to the people around us and to the world. Also, there's a saying "You cannot give what you do not have." Since I have no love so I am not capable of loving someone too. My old friends knew it because I was conceited and selfish. I knew right?... What can I do, my cup of love is empty. Toinks! I asked my intuition how to fill this cup with unconditional love. And for that I thanked God because He led me to people who know how to love themselves unconditionally and the impact it has brought unto their lives and to the world. That's the very reason why I dedicated myself on a daily basis (if time will let me...hehehe) of self-approval and self-forgiving process which I will share with you too soon. Aside from that, I also realized that I restricted people from loving me because of my belief that I did not deserve to be loved. You know the feeling when someone close to you hugged you and it felt awkward. That's it! Your body won't lie to you. It felt awkward when someone hugged you because you felt you do not deserve it. 

Anyways, I'd like to share with you some people who love me as me and the limitations I set upon that restricted me from feeling them or feeling me. As my intuition told me that in order for me to fill my own cup of love with unconditional love was to let other people love me. No limitations and no restrictions. I must open my heart to love and be loved. To let them know me, see me, feel me, hear me and to let myself know them, see them, feel them, and hear them in the core of their hearts. 


This beautiful lady beside me (photo above) is my soul-sister. We have been close friends for 14 years now. We got separated because of our careers for 7 years. And so, due to our separation, we have different philosophies in life. In spite of that, we still continue our friendship as it was before. In fact, she took care of my gross wounds last year on my blog post entitled "My Greatest Physical Battle". I know she loves me and I love her too. But, the limitation I set upon not letting her feel me completely was I was afraid that if she knew my current beliefs and philosophies in life, she might change the way she sees me. And so, while I was with her I was pretending to be the old me, the me before we got separated. I did not let her see me, the current me inside. But, when I shared with her my love life, I was surprised that she supported me all the way through. She was my crying shoulder when I had my breakup. I miss her so much because we got separated again due to her work as a nurse abroad. Once I will be with her soon, I won't pretend anymore because I know she respects me for who I am now.


I consider this person (photo above) as my second mom. She is the aunt of my close friend above. In fact, she and my close friend considered me as part of their family way back before. Her husband really wanted me to get fat, and so, they let me eat as many chocolates and food I want whenever I was with them...hehehe. Anyways, I really cannot believe that I would meet a person like Auntie who is so loving and kind. We are not even relatives but I feel I am connected with her in some way. I really cannot explain it. She gives me what my mother cannot give me such as a mother's hug, touch and affection. We slept and hung around together and she understands me in my deepest level of being. We've known each other for years but we are far away from each other most of the time because she's living abroad. The limitation I set upon was the thought of "Why my mother is not like her? Why can't my mother give me the love she gives me?" And sometimes, I felt I do not deserve her love since I am not related to her in some way or another. "Who am I to deserve this kind of love?" These were my thoughts when I was with her last May of this year. Just recently, I realized perhaps God gave her to me for me to experience what I did not experience when I was young and family is not just limited by blood alone but also by heart. I am very grateful to meet her from the bottom of my heart.


This person (photo above) is the mother of my ex-boyfriend. I lived with them for 3 years and all through-out she never get tired of taking care of me like her own daughter. I appreciate everything she did for me and I won't forget all of it even if I am not with them anymore. Ever since I was young, my mother did not prepare breakfast for us. I did that for our family when I got old enough to cook until I moved out and lived independently. This person let me feel how it felt when someone prepared breakfast for you. She even cooked eggs for me before I flew going to Singapore to make sure I won't get hungry during my travel. She repaired my room before I transferred with them. She did a lot of things for me and the sad part was I was not able to thank her for everything she did to me. I just wish that she will read my blog soon. The limitation I set upon not letting her feel me or feel her was the thought that I am not her daughter. I kept justifying my existence that I was just a room renter in their house.

These are the people who will help me in filling my own cup of love but they are no longer with me. Perhaps, in the future I will be with them soon in God's time. They are always in my heart because they helped me discover what love really is and feels like in their own unique ways. I may not be able to reciprocate the love they gave me but I can share that love to other people who are willing to receive it. And so, my message for writing this blog is to allow other people to love you without hesitations, limitations and restrictions. We all deserve to be happy and to be loved. Love is not limited. It is unlimited like the air we breathe everyday. We take in love and we give out love. Therefore, let love revolve around each person everyday starting from ourselves and then to the people close to us and then to the world. 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Shame On Me


Few weeks before my birthday I got into circumstances that led me into a realization that I was filled with guilt and shame. I also found out other negative core beliefs that I had been carrying around all through out my life and these are: I deserve punishment, I deserve to suffer, I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be loved. These are the emotional pains I did not let myself feel when I was a child because it was too painful and unbearable. For you to better understand what I am talking about I am going to share with you my childhood.

I grew up as a rebellious child when I was around 4-7 years old. I and my little brother were left in the care of other people because our mother had to work from early in the morning until late in the evening and we only saw our father during weekend. I cannot bear the thought of being neglected or abandoned so I did stupid things so I can get the attention I needed. I pushed my brother into the flood with earthworms and I felt exhilarating happiness after that. I got spank most of the time or locked inside the comfort room, kneeled with salts or mongo beans under my knees, etc. With my actions, I felt my mother hated me because she always criticized me that I was a bad girl. But, it did not sinked into me because I was enjoying what I was doing. My thoughts were, "I guess this is better being judged as a bad girl than not exist at all in front of my parents."

As I went to school, I noticed that my classmates' parents were so caring to them. I got jealous. I started to question why my mother did not show any care, concern, affection and appreciation to us. More circumstances made me feel that my parents do not care about us. My mind told me they do not love you but I did not want to think about it so I denied it. One of our primary caregiver physically abused my little brother by spanking him with an extension wire. I, who got used to be spanked, told myself, "This is too much." I told my parents about it but they did not believe me. They made me feel that we deserved it because we had been bad. I was shocked and it made me feel depressed. How can they let this happen? Why can't they listen to me? I cried every night because I saw something was wrong in our family but nobody noticed it or even cared. This was the time I realized emotional pain was unbearable and so I shut down emotionally. I numbed myself. I pretended I did not see what I see. Our family only got better when my father decided to stop working and took care of us because my little sister needed therapy as she was diagnosed having a Cerebral Palsy, the very reason why she had difficulty in walking, speaking and writing, and I suffered Bronchial Asthma and Sinusitis. More events had happened in our family that led to the breakdown of my little brother, he had hallucinations and difficulty of sleeping, and my mother when she lost her job. My father sent her to a mental hospital for treatment while my brother was treated at home. I kept all of this inside me and I did not want anybody to know about my family background. I was ashamed of it. I had fear that if people will know about this that I will be ridiculed and nobody's going to like me.

This is a very sensitive topic for me about my family but I needed to do this in order to heal the great shame I have within me. Guilt was easy to address because the thought pattern behind of it was "I did something wrong" and the antidote for that was to forgive myself. Shame, on the other hand, was a different story because the thought pattern behind of it was "I did something wrong because I am bad. I am not good enough." Shame is the cause of self-hatred which is the very opposite of self-love. I even got sick a day or two before my birthday as I was going deep in knowing who I really am. My sickness was a physical manifestation of my resistance about this shame and partly because I blamed my parents in some way. I blamed them that I grew up not having a sense of worthiness within me. Basically, I lacked self-worth and I learned not to trust myself. I had thoughts like if only I knew back then what I know now I wouldn't have suffered enough. Well, I got healed with my sickness after my birthday without any medication that's when I let go of the blame, the "if only's" and allowed the shame to eat me. I got a sense of peace and relief knowing that I do not have to be perfect in anyone's eyes, not to my parents even to myself. Also, I do not have to justify my own existence here on this planet by achieving success or by being good and I do not have to pretend at all. I just have to be Me.

And how do I get the courage to share this all with you and be vulnerable? It's because of what Teal Swan said about shame. And here it is...

"There is an innate yearning in people to connect, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be understood, to belong. If you feel shame, these things in life are not something you have tasted yet. You have been met with the opposite. As a result you withdrew and closed yourself off and shut down to the world. Now, there is a split within your heart between the insatiable yearning for those things and the fear and pain of opening up and being hurt again. You need to address this split within yourself with empathy and compassion. Many people within society carry this same split and you have the opportunity to heal it in yourself by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in yourself. And you also have the power to heal it in other people by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in them."


Until now I am still on the process of building my self-worth back and trying my best of my daily self-approval process. After letting go of the blame to my parents, I discovered that they are suffering from a personality disorder which I am going to share with you soon on my next blog. Now, I get to understand them and have compassion for them. I have a message for the parents out there, too. Please let your children know every moment in their life that they are worthy of love and belonging. Help them understand that doing or making bad decision is not equal to being bad. So, let me left you with this song that gave me inspiration to write about my story, Little Me by Little Mix. Enjoy... :) 



"Little Me"


[Jade:]

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don't hear a word,
Always talking but she can't be heard,


[Leigh- Anne:]

You can see there if you catch her eye,
I know she's brave but it's trapped inside,
Scared to talk but she don't know why,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see,

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,


[Jesy:]

Little me

Yeah, you got a lot of time to act your age,
You can't write a book from a single page,
Hands on the clock only turn one way,

(Yeah)


[Perrie:]

Run too fast and you'll risk it all,
Can't be afraid to take a fall,
Felt so big but she looks so small,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.
(Know that right here, right now)

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be, oh,
Little me

Little me, yeah


[Leigh-Anne:]

Tell you one thing I would say to her


[All:]

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.

(You got to) you gotta speak up, (You got to) you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,
Little me

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,

Little me

Monday, July 13, 2015

A Birthday Present For Myself


Few days from now, I am going to be, OMG! can't believe this, 30!!! The pressure of getting married will be more intense, I guess, after my birthday. Well, life is not just about getting married guys, please. If you love me or like me at least, please do not ask me that question. I am happy right now being single because I have so many things to do for my life. Let's put that idea on the hands of God, okay? (crossing fingers)...

I am going to share with you how I prepared for my birthday as my birthday present for myself. Turning 30 feels like a debut for me...hahaha!!! Some of my friends celebrate it as a despedida. Saying goodbye to 20's and saying hi to 30's. Usually, we will plan for a party with friends and loved ones. But, it's not my kind of idea as of this year. A lot has happened to me especially after I turned 29 and I got wounded out of it. No worries, scars are just signs of the battles I have conquered...hahaha!!! Proud of myself...

I learned a lot from these battles I faced from physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. Hopefully soon, financial...hahaha! I wanna be rich! Just kidding. I will share it with you soon bits by bits here on my blog. But, just to give you a whole picture, it's like this: "Life is meant to be a worthwhile journey but most of us experience sufferings because most of our ways of living negate our natural state as a human being." - Joy Bionson. Yes, we live our lives in an opposite direction and that's why we suffer. Here, let me show you. All we have to do here on Earth is TO LIVE. If you reverse the word "LIVE", it would be "EVIL". Toinks! Yeah, I cannot agree more. So, what has this got to do with my birthday? I am going to give myself the reverse of how I lived my life before.

If some plan for a party with friends and families, I plan for a stress-free and happy life for myself from now on. I know you'll ask me, how to have a stress-free life? I just have one simple answer but not easy to apply, LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. The first time I heard this, I really do not have any idea how to love myself because I thought I already love myself. But, the truth is I did not love myself. I discovered this after spending some time with my negative emotions few months ago, being present with them. As I came to know them, I discovered that I abandoned myself. I neglected myself. I ignored myself. I hated myself. It took some time for me to discover these because for the past years I covered them with the mindset that I can do everything and I always justify my existence and value to other people even to my family. Yes, very pathetic. These negative thoughts or beliefs manifested in my life because our physical reality is our biggest mirror of what is inside us. Therefore, I was living my life going against myself and that's why there were lots of shits that happened in my life which I created unconsciously. This does not mean that the Universe condemn me for being a bad person as I thought to believe in since I was young but the purpose of the Universe is for me to see and become aware of these negative thoughts I have been carrying around in my subconscious mind. And so then will I have the power to change it.


Realizing this, I decided to love myself unconditionally as my birthday present to myself. I let go of those BS, I mean, belief systems that do not work for me and I am changing my negative core beliefs such as I am not good enough, I deserve to suffer, I do not amount to anything, I am worthless etc. Before, I hated emotional pain so much. Now, I learn to love them as they helped me discover my negative core beliefs so I can remove them from within and so they won't exist in my life. I promise myself not to abandon myself again, to be with myself no matter what. I also dedicate myself to a daily self-approval process, discovering my self-worth, and building my self-esteem.  I know I'd be spending a lot of ME Time for the next days until my birthday or pass my birthday. I don't know. That's why on my birthday I just want to be at home and buy myself one of my favorite food which is pizza, a very big vegetarian one. Eat it like there's no tomorrow and no visitors 'cause I do not want to share it...hehehe. As your birthday gift for me, (by the way, this is not compulsory) you can also help me in this process of pure positive focus about myself by letting me know what you like about me. Material things are the least thing I desire after I've gone through my depression which I shared with you on my previous blog post entitled It's Okay Not To Be Okay. To tell you honestly, I am still on the process of putting myself back. After that, I will start playing my life for who I really am, no more pretending and justifying. In fact, we do not have to do anything in this world. We just have to be ourselves. I do believe it's going to be a worthwhile journey after my 30th birthday because I AM the scriptwriter of my life, always been and always will be. 

As Brian Tracy once said in his seminar, "The most important person in your life is YOU."


I will post this on the day of my birthday so no one will screw my birthday plan...hehehe. And oh, by the way, since it's my birthday, I will be giving out my Number 1 favorite product of Mary Kay which is the Mary Kay Lotus & Bamboo Loofah Body Cleanser as shown below to the lucky one whom I will choose at the end of this month, July 31, 2015.


Mechanics:
Just LIKE my Facebook page OUR BEAUTY SHOPPE and give a positive comments to any Mary Kay products I posted in the photo albums. More comments more chances of winning. For more info., you can check the event on my page entitled A Gift For You!.

To give you a sample, here's my positive comment about this Mary Kay Lotus & Bamboo Loofah Body Cleanser:
"I sooo love this product because it gives me a refreshing relax feeling on my senses with its scent and a squeaky clean feeling on my skin after I took a bath. Unlike other body scrubs out there which are painful to scrub on my skin or cannot even remove my dead skin cells. This one is not painful. In fact, it's safe to use everyday and my dead skin cells are removed. Plus, my skin is moisturized so no need to put lotion after bath. For me, it's a 3-in-1 product, body scrub, body wash and body lotion. My skin becomes lighter as the dead skin cells were removed and generates new healthy skin cells."

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Why We Broke Up?

Hi guys! It's been a while since I wrote something on this blog. After I had been okay with my depression or the dark night of the soul, I have been busy working out my life the way I wanted it to be. Now, I decided to share something which everybody can relate. This is all about relationship, parenting and marriage. I am going to share the truth behind why I broke up with my 7-year love relationship since a lot of my friends asked about it but I cannot tell them right then and then because it is a huge topic to talk about. It would be like I am a person speaking to them in a different language which they don't understand. So, I just told them we're not meant for each other. Period. Anyways, here it is.

Just recently, I found the perfect video that gives an introduction of the correlation between the relationship we have with our parents and our love life. So, please watch the video first and then I will share my personal experience and perspective for this matter.

Warning: Please exercise an open-mind so you will get the whole picture. Thanks! Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy.



2012, I was advised by my life coach to end my love relationship with Y (my boyfriend for 7 years) because we were in a codependent relationship. I did not understand it at that time. Yet, I followed what he told me and broke up with him but it was unsuccessful.

Codependency means a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I went back with Y in his hometown. For 2 years being together again, the unhealthy relationship we had slowly became apparent. We had misunderstanding and we tried to resolve it. It seemed as though we were okay but we were not. It took a lot of honesty to really admit this to myself. And so, I kept on denying it for 2 years because my mind was already fixed that he will be my future husband soon. Unknown to myself, I already created a picture of what it looked like to have a right husband for me. I got disillusioned that his character and personality won't match to the picture I created. Still, I told myself he will change...hahaha. This is our common mentality, girls, so please be aware because this will create more stress in our lives. He is for what he really is.

All of a sudden, I got terribly sick when I went to my hometown. I shared it with my previous blog "My Greatest Physical Battle." For 6 months, we had been in a long distance relationship and that was the first time we had the longest time being away with each other. He did not even visit me. We just talked over the phone. I knew it was already a sign but I did not see it because I was so attached to the idea that I will marry him. In fact, we were on the process of planning our wedding...hahaha! I kept denying again until the signs became more enormous that it was impossible for me not to see it. So, I reflected and asked myself what it is really that I want from a love relationship in general not specific to any person. I listed it down. Then, I became aware of our own habitual patterns that we exercised in our relationship which Teal demonstrated on the video above.

Based on my previous blog, "The Dark Shadow of Myself", you will get a picture of what my childhood was like. I must admit that all throughout my life I craved for love. Therefore, I will keep attracting relationships that will have this "Please Love Me" dynamic unless I am going to work it out myself and soon be a vibrational match to a partner who will love me for who I really am. My past gave me an answer to my present situation. But what I told Y was what will be our future like if we stick together. We did a fast forward of our lives. We asked ourselves, "What will happen if we stay together?" Based on our family background, we found the answer. The good thing about our relationship was that we were being honest with each other from the start. So, we can decide what is really best for the both of us. I proposed a solution but he said he was not ready yet and I already knew that was his answer. And so, we ended our relationship because it did not serve us anymore for our own self-growth.

As for my own self-expansion and knowing about this 3 years ago, I'd like to stop the habitual patterns which were present in my family by being more aware of myself and healing my deep wounds so I won't pass the dysfunction to my future children. Inner Child Work was one of the techniques I used which I demonstrated on my previous blogs.

I cannot blame my parents anymore. Besides, it was useless to do so because I'd be giving away my powers to them. I did a lot of reflections for this matter and during meditations I give them love. I totally believed that everything happened for a reason. Some said how I wasted my time with Y. Well, nothing was ever wasted because I learned a lot from my 7-year experience with him. If it was not because of him, I wouldn't be able to create a picture of what I wanted for a lifetime partner and how I am going to raise my kids in the future.


I know you will be surprised or confused about what I am sharing right now but try to examine your past and current relationships, your life experiences and your childhood. Be honest with yourself. I completely understand that it feels uneasy and uncomfortable to find out the truth about us. But there's a saying, "The truth will set you free." Just imagine if I did not listen to my heart and let my mind rule the game, Y and I will be miserable together so much more our own kids. So, for singles out there, you can attract a partner who will love you for who you really are and who matches your needs and wants in a relationship. For parents, you can be more conscious of how you spend your time with your children. For those who are in relationship, well it's up to you. You already know what to do.

This has been an eye opener for us. As Teal said, "We have the power to change it." Once we recognize it, we are on the road of ending this dynamic. Ciao!