The Dark Shadow of Myself

Empowering thoughts, I have listed so as not to be affected by what other people think and say about me. This relates to my previous blog "The Creation of My Magnificent Mosaic." You can use it, too.

1. No matter what I say and do, I cannot please everybody.

2. People are looking at life in different perspectives so what's true for me may not be true for them and what's not true for me may be true for them. This is because each of us has its own different issues, beliefs, needs and priorities in life. It is our responsibility as a human being to know what is true for each of us. And because of that, I must be open to the idea of that I could be wrong in my perspective to some degree or another.

3. I still care about what other people think because I want to see their own perspective about life, putting myself into their shoes. This will develop my compassion and exercise understanding for them which I find interesting. So, please feel free to leave a comment.

4. What does not kill me can only strengthen me. So, go for the gold! ^^ Express who I really am because that's what my heart is telling me to do so.

Photo courtesy of
www.guidedlawofattraction.com

Now, a question came up into my my mind. Why am I not aware of my own self-criticism as I described on my previous blog? The answer came into my mind, "Because it was in your shadow." "A shadow or shadow aspect of a human being, as Carl Jung's psychology described it, is an unconscious aspect of personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself. Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one's personality, the shadow is largely negative, or the entirety of the unconscious." Thanks to Wikipedia so my readers know what I am talking about. 

I denied that aspect of me, 2009, after I saw and applied the principles in the movie "The Secret: The Law of Attraction" of Rhonda Byrne. The totality of the message in the movie is to focus on positive thoughts not the negative ones because as Buddha quoted, "What we think, we become." So, I buried my self-criticism to my unconscious because it tended to give me negative thoughts about myself. On the contrary and to the level of my consciousness at that time, it really helped me immensely. I became aware that it was possible to control my thoughts and thus my feelings to create a better experience. I also became conscious of the power of manifestation through the use of thoughts and feelings. But here's what I noticed, not all of the things I tried to manifest came into my reality.

2012, I encountered the other phase of the Law of Attraction and that was "You do not attract what you want, you attract what YOU ARE" by Dr. Wayne Dyer which helped me now to understand the other side of criticism, my being critical with other people. I developed this persona because I came from an emotionally dysfunctional family. My mother hardly expresses her appreciation to her own kids. She always disapproves of us most of the time and I guess the only way she expresses that she agrees with us is when she keeps her silence. And, her type of discipline was through control and manipulation. In my early childhood, I already developed self-dislike or self-disapproval which is the root of self-criticism, as though it was right because that's what normal is in our family even though it felt bad. I and my siblings grew up having low self-esteem which we were not aware of. Aside from that, being the eldest child, as what my father taught me, I must be an example to my siblings so I was reprimanded to every mistakes I committed. Unknown to myself, I became like my mother. For you to understand what I am telling about let me share you my personal story.

2013, I worked as a call center agent and I had a team leader who was perfectionist, critical and manipulative to his team members and who was so obsessed to be one of the top teams. I tried to understand him in spite of the way he treated us but deep inside me, I saw a glimpse of myself, the hunger for power. Until one day, he did something that really got me into my nerves and I wanted to smash something. I felt angry. I stopped taking calls because I might project this anger to my customers and they will rate my service as dissatisfactory, and again, my team leader will scold at me for having a bad score. So, I went to the comfort room and locked myself. I felt the anger within me and squeezed my own fist and shouted to God (in my thoughts) "Why are You giving me a supervisor like him?" Then, I remembered my life coach, my last supervisor or manager with the previous company I worked with and now my team leader. They had common denominator which were perfectionist, critical and manipulative. I left my life coach and so with my previous company's manager by doing AWOL (Absence Without Leave) because of that. But here's what I realized, I can escape from them but I cannot escape from my own shadow which was reflected by the qualities I hated so much about my current team leader. Then, an image was shown to me on how I handled my people during my MACbay days and how I treated my friends as well. My reaction was "Oh my God! What have I done?!" In an instant, I became aware of my dark shadow as a perfectionist, critical, controlling and manipulative person. Years before that, people described me as those qualities I mentioned, but I totally cannot relate it to myself at all. I was in denial mode until this very moment of enlightenment. See? Negative emotions can really help us in understanding one's self. 

Photo courtesy of www.keen.com

After that realization, I felt sorry for the people that I have done wrong and asked forgiveness from God. I accepted it as part of me and I told myself not to do it again, to exercise power over others, because it is based to the sponsoring thought of powerlessness like self-criticism does. True power must come from within because the Truth remains that I cannot control others, I can only control myself. Fortunately, in just about less than a month, I was transferred to a new team leader which was kind, patient and understanding. Aha! So this was what Dr. Wayne Dyer meant by "You do not attract what you want. You attract what YOU ARE. Does it sound like the Law of Karma to you? Well, I will share my thoughts about it more on my next blog.

Today, as we celebrate "The Day of Valor", I'd like to invite you all to be fearless and brave enough to know the bright (conscious) and, most especially, the shadow (unconscious) aspects of yourself. As Carl Jung had said, "Shadow Work is the Path of the Heart Warrior." It's fun and exciting and, best of all, it is an opportunity to grow as a better person than we used to be and at the same time becoming whole again. To summarize, the path to change is to become AWARE of it, and then to ACCEPT it as part of you before you can alter it. Self-Awareness leads to Self-Evolution. ^^