Allow Others To Love You

On my previous blog "Shame On Me", I shared with you how I shut down emotionally. Well, we all know that emotional pain is more tormenting than physical pain. Emotional abuse is more terrible than physical abuse. I did that when I was a child because I did not want to get hurt anymore. But, when we numb ourselves from pain, we also numb ourselves from love. Therefore, I did not know how to love and to be affectionate. It was unknown to me and so no wonder no one can love me as much as I wanted to be loved. After my breakdown this year which I shared on "It's Okay Not To Be Okay", it made me become aware of how low my self-worth is and how I hated myself for all these years. Therefore, I did not love myself in my deepest core. Yeah, sad truth. And so, I dedicated this year to love myself again unconditionally and completely 100%. 

One more thing, based on what I have learned from Teal Swan's video which I posted on "Why We Broke Up?", that we learn what love is from our parents. And so, since I did not get this from my parents when I was young, I also did not have love within myself. Realizing this was not easy. I have been dealing with this issue since 2012 because that was the time when I met my life coach who confronted me that I came from a dysfunctional family. You know the feeling when you know the truth, right? It felt suck! It was so painful because you know your heart has been broken with that issue and someone will say that in front of your face. In fact, that's the very reason why I shut down, I suppressed it, I denied it, because I did not want to face it because it was afflictive. The feeling was like my life coach was sticking a knife into my wounded heart. Well, God, Source or the Universe let it happen because God wanted me to heal. Healing was very unpleasant and uncomfortable sometimes excruciating. It was like a surgeon cutting your heart through without anaesthesia...hahaha!!!... What made the matter worst was, when situations in my life felt like I was doomed for failure, and so, I felt powerless and hopeless no matter how optimistic I was. If you scan my blog post since March you will know, what I had been through. My initial reaction was to blame God but actually what He was trying to do was to heal me. To know the aspect of myself which I was not aware of because I was scared of it. I have to know it, to become aware of it, in order to heal myself so I can be a whole-hearted person again not a broken-hearted one. And so, I have to know the truth about me and the truth was I grew up not knowing about love at all. One of my friend told me your parents love you because they provided everything that you need. Yes, it was true. They provided all my physical needs but it was conditional love. So God wanted me to be aware of what conditional love is so I could know what unconditional love really is...

To love myself unconditionally and completely 100% was my responsibility and top priority. Like I mentioned before to have a happy and fulfilling life, we must love ourselves. And this is what I want for my life starting this year. Loving one's self is very important and I will share the reasons behind on my incoming blog posts so tuned in. In truth, it is our responsibility to fill our own cup of love inside us until it overflows so we can let it spread to the people around us and to the world. Also, there's a saying "You cannot give what you do not have." Since I have no love so I am not capable of loving someone too. My old friends knew it because I was conceited and selfish. I knew right?... What can I do, my cup of love is empty. Toinks! I asked my intuition how to fill this cup with unconditional love. And for that I thanked God because He led me to people who know how to love themselves unconditionally and the impact it has brought unto their lives and to the world. That's the very reason why I dedicated myself on a daily basis (if time will let me...hehehe) of self-approval and self-forgiving process which I will share with you too soon. Aside from that, I also realized that I restricted people from loving me because of my belief that I did not deserve to be loved. You know the feeling when someone close to you hugged you and it felt awkward. That's it! Your body won't lie to you. It felt awkward when someone hugged you because you felt you do not deserve it. 

Anyways, I'd like to share with you some people who love me as me and the limitations I set upon that restricted me from feeling them or feeling me. As my intuition told me that in order for me to fill my own cup of love with unconditional love was to let other people love me. No limitations and no restrictions. I must open my heart to love and be loved. To let them know me, see me, feel me, hear me and to let myself know them, see them, feel them, and hear them in the core of their hearts. 

This beautiful lady beside me (photo above) is my soul-sister. We have been close friends for 14 years now. We got separated because of our careers for 7 years. And so, due to our separation, we have different philosophies in life. In spite of that, we still continue our friendship as it was before. In fact, she took care of my gross wounds last year on my blog post entitled "My Greatest Physical Battle". I know she loves me and I love her too. But, the limitation I set upon not letting her feel me completely was I was afraid that if she knew my current beliefs and philosophies in life, she might change the way she sees me. And so, while I was with her I was pretending to be the old me, the me before we got separated. I did not let her see me, the current me inside. But, when I shared with her my love life, I was surprised that she supported me all the way through. She was my crying shoulder when I had my breakup. I miss her so much because we got separated again due to her work as a nurse abroad. Once I will be with her soon, I won't pretend anymore because I know she respects me for who I am now.

I consider this person (photo above) as my second mom. She is the aunt of my close friend above. In fact, she and my close friend considered me as part of their family way back before. Her husband really wanted me to get fat, and so, they let me eat as many chocolates and food I want whenever I was with them...hehehe. Anyways, I really cannot believe that I would meet a person like Auntie who is so loving and kind. We are not even relatives but I feel I am connected with her in some way. I really cannot explain it. She gives me what my mother cannot give me such as a mother's hug, touch and affection. We slept and hung around together and she understands me in my deepest level of being. We've known each other for years but we are far away from each other most of the time because she's living abroad. The limitation I set upon was the thought of "Why my mother is not like her? Why can't my mother give me the love she gives me?" And sometimes, I felt I do not deserve her love since I am not related to her in some way or another. "Who am I to deserve this kind of love?" These were my thoughts when I was with her last May of this year. Just recently, I realized perhaps God gave her to me for me to experience what I did not experience when I was young and family is not just limited by blood alone but also by heart. I am very grateful to meet her from the bottom of my heart.

This person (photo above) is the mother of my ex-boyfriend. I lived with them for 3 years and all through-out she never get tired of taking care of me like her own daughter. I appreciate everything she did for me and I won't forget all of it even if I am not with them anymore. Ever since I was young, my mother did not prepare breakfast for us. I did that for our family when I got old enough to cook until I moved out and lived independently. This person let me feel how it felt when someone prepared breakfast for you. She even cooked eggs for me before I flew going to Singapore to make sure I won't get hungry during my travel. She repaired my room before I transferred with them. She did a lot of things for me and the sad part was I was not able to thank her for everything she did to me. I just wish that she will read my blog soon. The limitation I set upon not letting her feel me or feel her was the thought that I am not her daughter. I kept justifying my existence that I was just a room renter in their house.

These are the people who will help me in filling my own cup of love but they are no longer with me. Perhaps, in the future I will be with them soon in God's time. They are always in my heart because they helped me discover what love really is and feels like in their own unique ways. I may not be able to reciprocate the love they gave me but I can share that love to other people who are willing to receive it. And so, my message for writing this blog is to allow other people to love you without hesitations, limitations and restrictions. We all deserve to be happy and to be loved. Love is not limited. It is unlimited like the air we breathe everyday. We take in love and we give out love. Therefore, let love revolve around each person everyday starting from ourselves and then to the people close to us and then to the world.